Yay or Nay?

Today's the day!

I've had my blood taken and now I am anxiously awaiting the phonecall from my nurse to let me know if this cycle was successful or not.

I've no idea which way this is going to go, obviously, but I'm still trying to remain optimistic and hoping for the best. I would love to call my husband and be able to tell him some good news! 

The next few hours are sure to drag by and work is going to be unbearable. But, I've made it this far, what's a few more hours?

My next post will be either from a pregnant me or a not pregnant me. Which one will it be???

Favourite Things, Part 1

Yes, inside I'm unleashing my inner Julie Andrews as I write this post. How could I not!

'Baby you're all that I want, when you're lying here in my arms, I'm finding it hard to believe, we're in heaven'

 

My amazing husband, soulmate and best friend! There is no one in this world I would rather share my life with. We'll take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad... as long as we are facing it all together. I love this man with everything I have!

'Whoever said diamonds are a girl's best friend, never had a dog'

 

Love my little guy. Aussie Shepherds have to be the most amazing breed. And of course, I have the best dog in general. This little guy never fails to make me smile and laugh with his beautiful nature and all the hilarious things he does.

 

Pt. Douglas, Queensland

 

Where the rainforest meets the sea. Our honeymoon destination. I could go back here again and again and again. Truly Paradise! Put it on your bucket list.

 

'Tale as old as time'

 

Do I even need to explain why I love this movie? This is my all time favourite movie. I've watched it more times than I can count and each time I love it that little bit more.

'If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around'

 

My other favourite movie! What a classic. It has three of my favourite men, Liam Neeson (drool), Hugh Grant and Colin Firth. I'm actually obsessed with this movie.

 

 

'Shoot all the bluejays you want, if you can hit 'em, but remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird'

 

I read this in year 11 and was convinced I would hate it. But I fell in love with this book. I honestly believe it changed my life and my outlook. If you haven't read it, I suggest you do. It's my fall to book. Nothing to read? I'll reread this again.

Seasons

 

I love something about each of the seasons! I feel very lucky to live in a place where I get to experience all that mother nature has to offer.

 

 

I've got plenty more favourite things, but I'll save those for another post. Happy Sunday!!!

7dp4dt

I just feel so normal and it sucks. Barely any cramping. Heartburn is gone. No pulling on the left side of my abdomen like I felt the other day. I'm worried there's nothing happening!

The only thing I felt today was a heavy feeling and an aching back. I did vacuum though and it started to hurt about 5 seconds in. 

I know it's early. I know lots of women don't get pregnancy symptoms until further in. But what are all these meds doing? Plus, I had period like cramping last time on and off for days, around this time. And my HCG was 20, so something was clearly happening then.

I keep telling myself to stop reading in to things. That what's meant to be will be, so stop worrying so much. But, that's easier said than done! Wednesday just can not come soon enough!

6dp4dt

I'm currently 6dp4dt. By now, if it was going to, the embryo should have finished implanting and today or tomorrow should start to secrete HCG in to my blood stream. 

So it's still early. There are 6 more sleeps until my HCG blood test. We're halfway there! Here is what I have been experiencing so far in my 2WW...

Heartburn since day of transfer. Worst when I stand up.

Cramping on and off. Some period like cramps, some different.

Pinching feeling on left side of my abdomen. Sharp pains on and off for 1-2 minutes at a time.

Breasts are becoming a little more sore.

Normalness. Yes, feeling completely normal at times. Especially today. I miss the weird little feelings I've been getting the last few days. 

Trust me, I know that every single one of these is attributed to my medication. I'm really trying not to symptom spot, I'm just wanting to record down how I feel throughout this 2WW. 

Acupuncture

It wasn't that long ago that I actually changed my private health insurance to not cover Acupuncture. I said to my husband 'when are we ever going to use that?' Famous last words...

Acupuncture is the practice of inserting fine needles in to specific points in the body to correct imbalances and promote a healthier energy flow. It doesn't hurt, honest! You barely feel them go in. 

We both did our first Acupuncture session in January. That first session was ok. I actually spent the whole 1 hour appointment needing to urinate. I thought I was going to wet my pants but I was too scared to move. Needless to say, I didn't get a chance to really enjoy the session.

We didn't go back for a while. After our first IVF cycle ended in a chemical pregnancy, I told my husband I wanted to start again during our next cycle. So I went ahead and made an appointment. There are two Acupuncturist's there and  both are great! I love Luke though. He's down to earth and explains what he's doing in layman's terms for me. He also gives me lots of advice about what veggies to plant. Bonus!

I started going about 4 weeks before my next IVF cycle was due to start. I went once a week for an hour. I can't explain how amazing I find Acupuncture. Sometimes I find it hard to lay still for that long. I'm a massive fidgeter. But the more I went; the more truly relaxed I felt. 

The aim those first few weeks, was to get the blood flowing nicely to my uterus. They would place needles in my feet, legs, stomach, wrists and forehead. When my period came a few weeks after starting, it was almost painless. I got my period at 11 years old. From as far back as I can remember, I have had excruciating period pain. Days off of school, heat packs that don't do anything to help, painkiller after painkiller. In between the screaming and crying. Even when I started the pill at 17, I still got a bit of pain. To have the kind of relief I had my last period, has blown me away. What's even more amazing is that they put some press studs in to my feet to have a smoother 'flow'. Which did work, no clotting and only one heavy day). I left the press studs in for 2 days, the day I took them out, my period started flowing. Coincidence? I think not! 

I continued to do Acupuncture throughout the stimming of my IVF cycle and had it before and after transfer. The session before transfer is the most important. It quietens the uterus and stops it contracting so that the embryo will be entering a nice and stable environment. The session after is to get the blood flowing to aid implantation. 

I'm clearly yet to see if it helps my IVF cycle. Even if this cycle fails, I am a true Acupuncture believer. I can't believe I ever scoffed at this amazing practice. I hope to spend the next 9 months pregnant and then if I can, breast feed for a while. I will continue Acupuncture throughout pregnancy and 100% continue once I get my cycles back. If I never have to have a painful period again,  I'll be a very happy girl. I recommend it to anyone who has been told there's 'nothing they can do' for a pain they have. I've heard it helps all kinds of pain.

On top of helping pain and increasing the success rates of IVF, it can also help the production of sperm. My Acupuncturist Luke told me that some men with Azoospermia (where they don't have sperm present when they ejaculate) do Acupuncture and after a few months, they have been able to provide enough semen to do an ICSI procedure, without the use of a biopsy to extract it. Amazing huh! He also said although few studies have been done on it, he believes it definitely raises a man's sperm count. As well as helps motility and morphology. My husband has low sperm count and after we (hopefully) have our first child, my husband and I have talked about having him go in for a few months prior to looking to have our second and seeing if with the help of Acupuncture, we can fall pregnant naturally. Who knows!

If you can't tell, I'm a lover of Acupuncture. I did just dedicate a whole blog post to it. But seriously, if you've been thinking about it, give it a try!

The press stud in my foot to help the flow of my period. 

Don't Worry Baby...

I've woken up today and just felt a little lighter. Both physically (goodbye bloat) and emotionally. If this little guy inside is supposed to stick, he will! Nothing I can do will change that. Yes, I can be a little cautious. Take more consideration in my actions. I'm not going to go for a run or sit in a sauna or anything silly like that. But, I can't be scared that everything I've done will 'ruin' this.

Yesterday, I panicked that my pants were too right around my abdomen when I sat down at work. That my bus ride to work was too bumpy and would dislodge my trying to implant embryo. But I can't live like that.

Women get pregnant all the time. Chances are, if we were lucky enough to be able to conceive naturally, I would have no idea that our embryo was even  maybe implanting. So I'd probably be doing all my normal things and not having a care in the world.

'Don't worry baby, everything will turn out alright'. Yep, the Beach Boys are my alarm tone. Love me some Beach Boys. And I love waking up to this line. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts.

So, I'm 4 days post 4 day transfer and I'm cautiously throwing caution to the wind. I'm going to spend the next 8 days trying not to panic or over analyze and just enjoy being PUPO! 

Seriously, what a positive looking bunch of men! 

PUPO

Yep, I'm officially 'pregnant until proven otherwise'!!! And it feels...fantastic! 

Transfer was today and it went perfectly! It was a day 4 transfer, which definitely had me worried at first, but all worry has gone. My clinic do them all the time and have research to show it's most successful for them. I really just need to trust them more. At day 4, an embryo is at the Morula stage. They are looking for a compacting Morula which is almost at the Blastocyst stage. Given a few hours, it would become a Blastocyst.

So, we transferred our one beautiful compacting Morula. We also have 3 embryos to freeze and depending on how some others go, there may be a few more. We will know more tomorrow! We are ecstatic with this result! We now have a total of 4 frozen embryos waiting to be defrosted and become our babies! 

I had Acupuncture before and after my transfer. The session before is very much to create a pleasant environment for the embryo. It settles the uterus and stops it from contracting. The session afterwards is basically a pre implantation technique and also a relaxant! I have never done Acupuncture for IVF support, so I'll be interested to see if it is one of the supporting factors in a successful outcome for us! Either way, I'm a firm believer in the power of Acupuncture. The plan is to get my husband there soon and see if he sees results in Soren count. My Acupuncturist says it works! I also spoke to him about the pollutants and other worldly factors that seem to be affecting men's sperm. Plastics & chemicals in particular. I think, I might look in to de-poisoning our lives. Using natural cleaners and glass instead of plastic. Eating organically. I definitely need to do more research in to this but it's on my to do list!

So now we wait! We have done everything we can do. I'm hoping to have a stress less 12 days until my blood test (not likely). We are so ready for this, we want that BFP so badly it hurts!

Nobody said it was easy...

IVF is tough. It really is. You're constantly being poked and prodded by Nurses and Dr's. You give yourself injection after injection. There's medication with weird names and horrible sounding side effects that you hope you never get, but chances are you will. You go under anaesthetic, you worry constantly that you've done something wrong to screw up the whole cycle and after the tranfer, you spend almost two weeks in limbo. Am I pregnant? Am I not pregnant?

 

Like I said, it's tough!

 

 

 

My in-laws had no idea what was involved with an IVF cycle. They kept making remarks last cycle about why I was in pain or why I was taking time off work. I realised, not everyone knows what doing IVF really means for the couple undergoing it. I certainly didn't before IVF was our only choice. Although, I will admit I have a bit more common sense than my in-laws and knew it was certainly no walk in the park, despite not knowing what exactly was involved.

 

You might have seen this, but this is what I showed my in-laws to help them understand the IVF process...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oNg6Lm4ZJ4

 

Afterwards, they kind of stared at the screen and went 'Oh'. It really opened their eyes to exactly what we go through.

 

And even after all you have been through, there's no guarantee of a baby at the end of it. Heartbreaking huh! Us women and our partners go through this physical and emotional turmoil for a chance. A gamble. And it is a gamble. An expensive one.

 

But what other choice do we have? We're gambling for something we want SO badly. And hopefully it works. And if it does, everything we've been through will be more than worth it.

 

After we received news of our chemical pregnancy last cycle, I swore up and down for hours that I would never go through that again. I didn't think it would be THAT hard to hear the news. I was wrong.

 

 

 

 The next day, after a good nights sleep, I started talking about next cycle. My husband knew I didn't mean it. I was just exhausted from all the hoping, only to be let down. I know I will do this again and again until we do get our baby. Hopefully it's this cycle. Hopefully next week I'll be pregnant! But if not, if we're not that lucky, we'll try again.

 

 

 

Do your thing ICSI

We got 12! Now I don't want to sound ungrateful when I say this, but we were hoping for a few more. Only because last time our embryos fell off quite quickly. So we hoped that the more we had, the more we would potentially have to freeze after transfer. It's also hard not to compare to those who get higher. But still, very, very happy with 12! That's 12 potential little babies. They'll be getting ICSI'd about now as well.

Now the waiting game starts. How many will fertilise? 100% would be nice! But hey, as long as there's something to transfer on Friday, we will be so grateful!

I'm not feeling too great at all. But hubby has just ordered me some pasta from my favourite restaurant and I'm going to watch some Grey's Anatomy and take it easy this afternoon.

I had a lot more blood loss then last time, but a little less tenderness. I also wasn't kept waiting as long this time. I was in and under at 9am! Must have been a quiet day for them.

How nice it would be if this was my last retrieval ever! If this one works and we have some to freeze, they could be siblings!

Really hoping for some good news tomorrow! And now I have 'Tomorrow' from Annie stuck in my head...

Let There Be Eggs

Well tomorrow is the big day! The biggest day physically at least. Emotionally, other days are a bit bigger for me.

My retrieval is scheduled for 9:10am. We have to be there at 8:10am and hubby will go to do his sample at 8:50am.

Last time it was such a boring wait! You get there early to fill out paperwork and then you sit and twiddle your thumbs. No phones are allowed in day surgery so it's either watch bad morning television or read dated magazines that are probably still talking about Jennifer Aniston & Angelina Jolie's hatred for each other (seriously very little else bores me more than this topic of celebrity gossip)!

At about 9ish, they'll call me in to the office and a nurse will check I'm not wearing makeup, have no jewelry on, my height and weight etc. Then I'll be led to a change room and put on my stylish theatre gown. I'll pop on my huge chocolate dressing gown overtop, put my hair net and booties on and head to the waiting room.

At my last retrieval, all the women in the waiting room had their husbands with them. For some reason, when my husband came back from doing his part, they told him that he couldn't come back to sit with me. Not happy! Not sure why either. This time, he's said he will make sure he comes back. Now that he knows other partners were allowed back. And especially considering I was back there by myself for 30 minutes! It's weird because I'm sitting in a room full of other women going through the exact same thing but none of them said a word to one another. I smiled at them and did not receive a single one back. Ooook then! A bit of friendly chatter probably would have helped all our nerves. I did notice that my Dr was the only one to come back and wish me luck. None of the others had their Dr do that. Made me happy that despite him not being the one to do retrieval, he still took time to head over and see me.

It wasn't until about 9:50am that I actually stepped in to theatre last cycle. So I am assuming the same will happen again! They really get you there early just to keep you hanging around!

I know I'm only under for about 20 minutes or so, but it's amazing how fast the time from stepping in to theatre to waking up in recovery feels. They put the needle in my arm and I was out. I've had surgery a couple of times but this is obviously a lighter anaesthetic so it all just whizzes by compared to the more intrusive surgeries!

I'll wake up, check my hand to see how many eggs were retrieved and then hubby will be brought in to see me. I'll probably spend 15 mins in recovery and then they'll send me back to put my clothes on and head on home!

I should be home by midday! The longest part of my day will literally be the waiting to go in! Crazy! I can't wait! So excited that I'm not sure how I'll sleep tonight.

I've been feeling really crampy today. I ran from one end of the house to the other and freaked out that I'd twisted an ovary. Then my sister's giant puppy jumped up on my stomach and I worried he bursted something. I can't win. I'm just resigned to being a worrier forever!

For now, I'm going to have some of my husbands famous chocolate pudding with icecream whilst watching The Voice and then it's an early night for me! Ready to get lots of eggs tomorrow!

I just need to add quickly that my husband just fed our dog a bone on my rug. Seriously... Men!!! Argh!

Back in the Blogosphere!

Sometimes I really hate the use of the rollercoaster as a metaphor for life. But it really is fitting! I HATE rollercoasters. I hate surprises (not knowing how many eggs are brewing inside of me). I hate not being having things go to plan. How funny then, that my rollercoaster has led me here.

This has been an absolutely chaotic week! I didn’t think I could see the light of this week at the end of the tunnel. But I found it.

There were anxieties over whether or not I had stuffed up my injections for this IVF cycle. Stress over finding out I’m doing a four day transfer and not a five day. And then, Instagram decided to link to my Facebook and notify people that I had joined it under my private username. Thanks Instagram!

I’m not ashamed to be doing IVF. I don’t tell everyone either though. If someone asked me and I felt that I could trust them, I would tell them the truth. But like they say ‘be careful who you open up to. Only a few people care. The rest are just curious.’ And this is true beyond any doubt. I deleted my old blog as well. I thought I’d saved most of my posts but it turns out I hadn’t. While I’m happy to tell most people about what we’re going through, I know there’s people out there who don’t really care and are just nosey. That’s fine. But I don’t wish to share the intimates of this with those kind of people.

As for the high side of this week. I triggered tonight for this IVF cycle! At 9:10pm. Retrieval is at 9:10am Monday morning, May 6. So 35 hours away. After the turmoil of this week, I have come out this end feeling good. Feeling positive. I’m excited for retrieval and I’m excited for a few days bed rest. I had intense pain last time, and I’m preparing for it again. But it’s the perfect excuse to laze around in bed and have my wonderful husband wait on me. He loves it. No seriously, he understands that with IVF, he has it quite easy in terms of the physicality’s. Although, if I have to hear about how hard it is to ejaculate in a cup one more time, I may hit him over the head with a cushion. Men!

I had an amazing Acupuncture session as well. It involved a nap and leaving feeling so much better than when I walked in. Wish I had discovered Acupunture sooner!

According to bloods and ultrasound, I have quite a few follicles in there. I am hoping that there are eggs in most! I can’t wait to wake up from the anaesthetic and see the number on my hand, as long as there is a number of some sort!

So in summary, it’s been a weird, weird week. But it’s a new week tomorrow and a big and exciting one at that! I’m scared but I’m ready!